Fear

I have a constant fear that something is going to go wrong. I guess that's normal for first time pregnancies or maybe even tenth time pregnancies - I suppose. It is hard to put my finger on why my mind goes to some of the places it does. I often wonder, what if something goes wrong and I don't know, or I can't get to the doctor in time, or I can't stop it? What if I go to my next appointment and they can't find a heart beat? What if I go to use the bathroom and I am bleeding? Is that little cramp I feel a growing pain, or gas, or is something wrong? I am wearing myself out, and I am so full of what ifs that I feel like I am making my nausea worse with my worries.

I read that once you hit ten weeks your chance of miscarriage goes down to less than 2%. Which is great so I am anxiously awaiting Sunday. But then I worry about my cervix dilating too early because of the conization I had five years ago.

I had pre cancerous lesions on my cervix and had to have a conization to get rid of the affected tissue. It was basically borderline cervical cancer, but since then, every thing has been great. All of my pap smears have been normal. At the time I was told that having a portion of my cervix removed could cause it to be incompetent, therefore resulting in a miscarriage, but also I could have absolutely no problems at all. He also said at that time that it might come down to simply putting a stitch in my cervix to hold it closed.

He didn't seem to be concerned at all. He asked how long it had been since the conization (he did the surgery back in 2004) and he just said we'd keep an eye on it. WHAT?!?! I wanted to say can you just put a stitch in there just in case something goes wrong? I didn't though I am tempted to at my next appointment. I guess I should just put it out of my mind for now and just make sure he checks my cervix at each appointment which I would guess that's what he means by saying we'd keep an eye on it.