12 Week Appointment - 5 Days Early

We went back to the Dr today! I was expecting all day to hear the baby's heartbeat. Well, when he came in he said it was probably a little to early to hear it so we'd look at it! He drags an Ultra Sound machine in the room and all of the sudden there's a little guy with a little blinking heartbeat! WOW! It was incredible even though it barely resembles a baby at this point it was still amazing and it made it SO real. I am now relieved and thrilled. Dr. Binder says the baby is the right size for it's gestational age and it looks like it's supposed to. Yay!!!

Fear

I have a constant fear that something is going to go wrong. I guess that's normal for first time pregnancies or maybe even tenth time pregnancies - I suppose. It is hard to put my finger on why my mind goes to some of the places it does. I often wonder, what if something goes wrong and I don't know, or I can't get to the doctor in time, or I can't stop it? What if I go to my next appointment and they can't find a heart beat? What if I go to use the bathroom and I am bleeding? Is that little cramp I feel a growing pain, or gas, or is something wrong? I am wearing myself out, and I am so full of what ifs that I feel like I am making my nausea worse with my worries.

I read that once you hit ten weeks your chance of miscarriage goes down to less than 2%. Which is great so I am anxiously awaiting Sunday. But then I worry about my cervix dilating too early because of the conization I had five years ago.

I had pre cancerous lesions on my cervix and had to have a conization to get rid of the affected tissue. It was basically borderline cervical cancer, but since then, every thing has been great. All of my pap smears have been normal. At the time I was told that having a portion of my cervix removed could cause it to be incompetent, therefore resulting in a miscarriage, but also I could have absolutely no problems at all. He also said at that time that it might come down to simply putting a stitch in my cervix to hold it closed.

He didn't seem to be concerned at all. He asked how long it had been since the conization (he did the surgery back in 2004) and he just said we'd keep an eye on it. WHAT?!?! I wanted to say can you just put a stitch in there just in case something goes wrong? I didn't though I am tempted to at my next appointment. I guess I should just put it out of my mind for now and just make sure he checks my cervix at each appointment which I would guess that's what he means by saying we'd keep an eye on it.

Cleaning

I know it's early, but we've already started to clean the baby's room out. Since we moved in eight months ago our "front room" has been the catch all. If one of us didn't know what to do with something the answer was put it in the front room. It also had things still boxed from the move! UGH! But I made a HUGE dent in it tonight.

It sort of makes me nervous to designate a "baby room". It still just seems strange and doesn't even seem real at times. I think I've finally gotten over saying it and that doesn't seem so weird anymore, but the thought of having a little person that we are completely responsible for in 7 months is SCARY!! As time goes on and I start to show and feel the baby I am sure I won't be as freaked out. I am sure I'll be fine. I started baby sitting when I was 15 so I sort of feel like I might have a clue as to what I am doing, but this is going to be OUR little person! WOW

Funny Feelings

Aside from feeling nauseated all the time, I just feel weird. It's sort of like I am not quite myself. I don't really know how to explain it. I am ridiculously indecisive (a little strange for me), my taste buds are whacked out, and I can freaking smell things a mile away. I keep trying to remind myself that I am growing a human, but it still doesn't seem real. I guess part of that is all the damn things that I worry about. Maybe once I feel the baby I won't worry so much.

I am so overly emotional that I don't know what to do with myself. I had to bring Rexx to the Vet this morning knowing good and well I had to leave him there and I cried like a damn baby when I got in my car without him.

I just keep trying to coax myself into relaxing at the same time as trying to convince myself I am not going to puke too. It's exhausting!

Morning...er...Afternoon Sickness

I am trying to figure out exactly why it's called morning sickness. I suppose because the majority of women are feeling nasty in the morning. Well lucky me, I get to be one of the odd men out and feel like crap at the prime of my day! I wake up feeling fantastic and ready to start my day. No problems brushing my teeth, no problems eating breakfast or showering. My mornings are great. I work, I eat lunch and then about one or two it hits me. BLAHKY! Its so frustrating because once I get nauseated then I get tired and all I can concentrate on is not puking at work and getting home to take a nap. It makes for a pretty exhausting afternoon.

I have to say though the amount of time I feel yucky seems to be getting less day after day. I hope I don't jinx myself with this, but today I really only felt bad for about an hour and a half. Last week it was hours on end - so I guess there is hope in sight. Another thing I hope for is that I really don't remember at the end how crappy I felt in the beginning....

First Appointment

Today was my first appointment and Brandon came along. It wasn't very eventful. I talked to probably fourteen different people about five thousand different things. I had a well woman exam which I found to be interesting, but he said since I had one six months ago and I won't have another for nine months and given my history he said this was the time to do one. I complained abut the nausea and he said it was good that I am nauseated. He said that means things are progressing well. I have all the signs. I could definitely do without the nausea, but it comes with the territory. I will go back four weeks from today and hopefully hear the heartbeat. He told me at 12 weeks we'd be able to hear it. I'll only be 11 weeks though so hopefully I won't have to wait another four to hear it!

The other thing that really excited me today was how interested Brandon is. He seems like he wants to come to every appointment with me. I really wasn't expecting that from him, but I am in NO WAY complaining about it. He made sure I made my next appointment on a Tuesday so that he wouldn't have any interference with work and would be able to make it! It's so awesome and I am so VERY lucky!

So after two cups of pee, ten tubes of blood, and information overload, I am due on January 17th!